When a goal isn’t a goal…

 

Not unveiled yet lol

So I got a tattoo!!! It’s something I wanted for awhile and just couldn’t decide what I wanted and not only that but if I wanted to live with this thing forever. But I finally decided what I wanted. I had been reading a book and it stood out to me like a beacon. Shalom.. It means peace.. It’s used as a greeting but it also can mean peace in all things. A sense of completion or wholeness.

For me I have really needed this reminder. That whatever it is I am going through, to be at peace about it. To strive for peace. To enjoy the moment and whatever comes find the spark of light within it all. Although, traditionally it is normal to have whatever you tattoo on your wrist to be able to be read for those that you extend your hand to, for me I wanted it facing me. To remind myself to find my peace and also to extend peace to others.

Ran the 2nd 5k of this year and it seemed so short. But it was such a fun time with my niece and I could see her face feel that sense of accomplishment that I felt. I want her to know those feelings and not just take the easy road in life. I want her to challenge herself and see that she is capable of more than she knows. As we all are.

Looking forward to the week ahead and nursing a fresh tattoo. 🙂

 

Second 5k Coming Up..

Apparently, I have a list of them I am going to do this summer. They are going to be my new hobby. This one I am doing with my niece and we have been going out during the last couple weeks to prepare for it. She seems excited and I’m excited for her. It’s a privilege to see her personality and confidence grow. She is an awesome kid and I hope that this ignites in her that fire she needs to believe in herself and set goals for her life. As for me, this one isn’t as much of a stress… been there, done that I guess. Ah, that perspective thing rears its head. I guess I should just be posting a series of blog entries with that as the overall theme. But it really is true. That whole can’t see the forest for the trees; I have been so focused on the trees lately. I couldn’t step back and see the beauty of the forest. This whole life that we live is a gift. And as much as I want to revel in the tiny victories, I also one day want to look back over it all and say ahhhhh that’s a life well lived. Even with the pain, torture, sadness, mountains turned into molehills, surprises… everything makes this life worth living. There is a lesson in it all. Looking forward to this gorgeous, gorgeous day (seriously, how did it get to be so beautiful today??).

 

Morning Dew

Morning Dew

I keep looking at these dandelions thinking they’re so pretty in the bright green grass. These little bursts of yellow sunshine. Then they turn white and they start to look spindly and scraggly. But then I see them on a day like today, little beads of dew and the sun hitting them just so and I see they are still beautiful. There is probably some deeper hidden meaning in there somewhere but I’ll just leave it alone for now.

Instead of hiding…

I shall write. Why are the things, experiences, etc in life that give us the most joy are also the ones that give us the most pain?

I know that question is somewhat rhetorical, but it is still a legitimate question. There are times I wish my heart would shut off and I could just go for whatever I want and if it doesn’t happen oh well. This is a really similar post as last week and yet there are no new answers. I do realize though that the more I reach out and talk to people instead of my usual M.O., I don’t feel so alone. So here I am an introvert trying to actually invite people into my life. Usually those people are the very ones that make me feel drained. But as I understand myself more and my introvert tendencies, I know how to ask and receive attention. And then if it gets to be too much I know that I need to take a break. It’s normal. It isn’t anyone’s fault and it’s just the way I was hard wired. I need that moment of rest and peace in order to recharge. And once I have it I can see things more clearly. I took a test and found out I’m 100 percent an introvert. I think I need to retake that. Who on earth is 100 percent anything lol? And if so, omg everything makes so much sense. I even start hating those people I do genuinely love because of the amount of stress and pressure I feel from them. Yes I said hate. They continue to take and take and I feel I never get anything back. But now that I see I’m an introvert, it’s not because they are taking anything from me per se. It’s that I need alone time. I NEED it desperately. And those that are around me are extroverts, they don’t seem to understand that need. They take it personally and get angry at me. But once I have had that time to myself I feel whole again. I feel almost that I don’t need people around me to survive. But then I realize that I would be utterly alone. I have discovered so much about me this last week just from finally recognizing myself as an introvert. It’s amazing how much I didn’t realize about myself. And yet I’m still trying to figure out other people and why they do what they do. … sigh….

It definitely is making me see things in my life more clearly and hopefully with this new found knowledge, I can start to change how I look for work and also why traveling alone freaks me out and yet also I want to do it. As long as we keep searching for answers about ourselves and life, there is always an opportunity for growth. To continually learn and grow is an awesome way to experience life and live it fully.

But as far as pain goes, although it is a way to learn about oneself I would still rather avoid it.. lol. Hmmmm I somehow don’t think that is possible. Oh well, bring it on.

 

If you want to see if you’re an introvert:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/08/20/introverts-signs-am-i-introverted_n_3721431.html

There are more articles than this, but it really helped me see myself in a new light.

 

Fear, Doubt and Worry

These emotions are something I’m familiar with all too well. Fear of the unknown, doubting whether something I want will happen, worry that if it doesn’t happen what will I do. I would love to just let these things go and adopt some sort of “devil-may-care,” blasé attitude. Why can’t I be like those that just go for their dreams and if something doesn’t work out they just let it go? Is it difficult for them? They make it appear so easy that I cannot possibly fathom that it is a challenge for them at all. 

I’m afraid of people leaving me in my life even if they love me. I’m afraid of letting those go that I know do in order to achieve what I want. I’m afraid of so many things all at once it becomes overwhelming. I’m drowning in a sea of self pity right here it seems. Doesn’t anyone else feel this way? If so how do they get through it? How do they move on? How do they make sense of all these things and then adopt an attitude of whatever comes my way I will accept it? 

Life’s Barrage

So I had to get a new car. My car was on it’s last legs (wheels) and it was time. Bittersweet because that car was my “dream” car. And I loved it, but it just couldn’t make it anymore. Also, finished another book. Which I realize wouldn’t be a feat of any proportion to most normal people, but to me with my mind being all over the place it was really something that surprised me. I enjoyed it and didn’t want to put it down until it was finished. Which meant I was bleary eyed the next day but feeling happy I stuck with it and was absorbed in it rather than my mind flying all over the place.

Also, took a trip again to the beach alone. Which for someone who fears that sort of thing was a huge deal. It was so peaceful and I didn’t want to leave. And am thinking about going back. It was a long drive there and back (the traffic jam… parking lot on the way back didn’t help) but I feel undaunted by that. I think I’m even going to grab a small breakfast alone and read some of another book before going. These things which most people take for granted are huge hurdles for me. I really feel sometimes I have social anxiety because I get so nervous, like the feeling a lot of people get when they have stage fright or going to get a shot. Even thinking about it right now makes me feel nervous. But I can feel confidence coming in spite of it all. I really am under the belief that if there is something that is difficult for me, I want to try to overcome it. It’s scary and makes me all panic-stricken but it is worth all the trouble in the end because there is freedom. 

All these things are leading up to me traveling alone and hopefully a million more doors opening. There is a trip I’m looking into, it would be working as a volunteer, but I think it would feel that the trip was worth something and also it would be a good way to get my feet wet. These things are things most people conquer in their early 20’s, but I wasted those with other things. It’s never too late right? There is another 5k that I’m interested in coming up after my second one. LOL I’m going to make a career of doing 5k’s. But for me constantly having that goal works for me. Especially right now. The next one is in 2 and a half weeks. I can’t believe it. How does time go by so quickly? And yet so slowly at the same time? It’s that perspective thing rearing it’s ugly head again. 

Anyone up for skydiving?