The Elusive Title….

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I really don’t know where to start just that I need to get my life down on metaphorical paper. So I keep writing here. In this online version of a preteen’s diary. My life, although perhaps not interesting to many, is mine. I am forcing myself to live it squeezing as much out of every opportunity and moment as I possibly can. I am looking forward to a whirlwind of change and pushing myself forward each time I feel like running away.

Today marked a very great possibility. A bright light on the horizon of change. I met with the coordinator for a volunteering opportunity that is the answer to so many things. Of course I need to pass the appropriate background checks etc etc. However, after meeting with these people I already felt at home, excited, bouncing off ideas already with them. It is for a hospice program. Being with patients and their families and supporting them in every possible means. The concept is beautiful, and from what I learned this is how the whole program started, with volunteers wanting to make the end of life a comforting experience.

This hits home to me in so many ways and at this moment my eyes well up without realizing it. It has been 7 years since I came face to face with the possibility of losing my father. And although he pulled through, there were many times where we as a family had to come to grips with the idea that we might have to say goodbye. Sitting night after night and day after day vigil, keeping watch as death danced around. Miracle after miracle seemed to happen in ways we could never imagine to be on this side of it all. But the idea of writing a blog to keep family and friends updated came to me then. It was all I could do to keep sane. To keep from having to answer the same questions over and over again. To this day I have yet to read that blog again. I cannot go back to it because it was so painful. I was numb then just passing each day like a robot.

My life took a pause for a number of years after that. Just living each day one day to the next. Not really living but letting it pass by. Now I am taking it back. Pushing myself forward and looking forward to all that life opens and reveals to me. No matter the pain I might encounter, I refuse to go back to that place of just moving through life, grasping at meaningless things. It is scary to be going back to school for my master’s. I still have to sign up for that. But for the moment this volunteer opportunity seems to be the perfect fit to use my creativity and my desire to create order in chaos. And in the end, I will be helping those that are dealing with the very real face of death. Whatever the outcome of those people’s moments, I hope that all those that are touched with those experiences will walk away comforted, at peace, and with hope.

In the meantime, until I can start the main part of it I am going to be making cards. So I get to use my creativity and help out until I can get into the program more. The cards will either be sent to the families on the anniversary of their loved-ones passing or sent with books that the program makes. Books that are the legacy of the patients. How rich and fulfilling is that? To interview those that can understand what it means to see their life in a clarity for which we can only hope. These are a biography of sorts. How beautiful is that legacy?

This Saturday, I have another volunteer opportunity. It was meant to be for set design for a theatre and yet somehow I am ushering at at the theatre. Lol on the one weekend I have free. I was prepared to say no I can’t but “unfortunately” I had no excuse. But I’m looking forward to every opportunity. It is all a gift somehow right? Meeting people? Living? Experiences? It has to be looked at that way. Life lived with a hopeful breath.

As someone who has experienced loss, near loss, and a life of living in near trepidation; I am looking forward. Opening up my horizons. Breaking down walls within myself that I kept hidden. It’s never too late right? I am taking control of my life and living it in a way that when I am on the other side of this life I can look back myself and fill my own book of a life that is a legacy.

Life is for the living.

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