little bites and baby steps…

It’s like a homework assignment for me.. writing this..

Not that it’s a bad thing to have something you need to be accountable to; however, as with anything that starts to feel like a requirement, I procrastinate. Procrastination is an art form at its best. To wait until the last possible moment to deliver something or follow through on something but it not turn out like crap is in and of itself an art. (beware: run-on sentences will probably abound in this) At its worse, it can be such a deterrent for getting anything accomplished.

I cannot promise that this blog entry will be art; however, I intend not to procrastinate another moment.

So I have been volunteering at the hospice a lot. The one that interviewed me left, which I cannot even remember if I wrote before. I’m sure that I did. So if I repeat myself, oh well. 🙂  this last week I volunteered four days. There was a memorial service for the families and friends for all those that passed over the last year. I did not sit to watch the service but rather talked to one of the social workers outside in the lobby. It was held in this beautiful old theatre that I absolutely find magical. One of the daughters of a woman who lost her mother was there. She said something about how she loved that it was over the top. It wasn’t bashful. It was such a beautiful sentiment for that place. She talked about how her grandmother as a little girl would talk about going to a palace. That was how she envisioned it. She imagined seeing people like Omar Sharif there. The woman talked about running her hand over the very same banisters her grandmother must have. And then she teared up, which right now that’s still hard for me to know what to do. Luckily another social worker was there to lend an ear and patience and warm arms to hug her.

I would like to say I want to be able to get to that place to offer comfort to strangers; but as I start to know myself more, I realize that isn’t me exactly. I can listen, and offer an ear to hear them tell their stories and problems. I can offer advice if they would like it, but I’m not great at the pure emotional openness. This isn’t to say my heart doesn’t hurt for the people, or that I don’t recognize what they’re feeling. I just have a difficult time showing my emotions.

There is a lot more work for me to do now. And I cannot even begin to say when I will go back to school. (hopefully, within the next year) I know that the steps I am taking are exactly where I need to be. All I can focus on is small goals right in front of me. I have to compartmentalize all of this so I don’t become engulfed in it. It really is difficult to 180 your life. Someone should put warning labels on epiphanies. ” Do not have an epiphany or life-altering-decision unless you’re ready for the vast expanse of change that is ahead.”  I know, I know. Who is ever really ready for life changing moments? Nobody is prepared 100% of the time.

So with that knowledge, I will not feel guilty I do not have a school picked out, and I have yet to apply for funding. I will focus on getting a paying job now to supplement this, and then my next step will be starting to look at degrees.

Goals for this month: apply for work, not go crazy and throw in the towel, and read a book (I finally bought “Adultery” by Paulo Coelho.)

I should find a lovely motivational quote… add that to my list of goals for this week 🙂

Questions for anyone that reads this: Does life overwhelm you? How do you handle it? Is there anything that got so overwhelming to you that you put it to the side or procrastinated on it?


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