year…

It’s coming up on one year since my dad passed away. Even if I don’t want to think about him being gone, it looms  around me. I can’t describe it, it’s as if your body knows.  It grieves with or without your permission. You may play, laugh,  enjoy food and times with friends and family. But this unsaid thing wraps itself around you.

I miss my dad so much it hurts to breathe sometimes.  I really haven’t grieved his loss much because I’ve been trying to push through everything.  Working in hospice is difficult enough, but everything else that has gone on there has made it even more tiring.

I’ve look at others who have lost a parent,  had children , worked full time in hospice and still completed their masters.  I’m amazed how they were able to do it. I’m impressed by them.

I’m still trying to figure out my next steps. It’s taking everything to focus on this one class I’m taking. I keep thinking about my dad and how he kept taking classes. He kept his engineering license. It was important to him. Even if it was hard to walk into  class. He wouldn’t take his cane with him, probably because of pride. I hope he would be proud of me. He was a wonderful man, my best friend, a great example.  I miss you dad.

edumycation…

So after getting back from my Europe trip, I signed up for a grant writing class on the 4th of June. Because the best thing to do after a vacation is signing up for a class. 

It may not be towards a Master’s Degree quite yet, but it’s definitely a step in the right direction. 

my heart hurts … July 6th my father passed away peacefully in the morning at his home. So grateful for hospice and all they’ve done … God only knows what we will need … who knew when I started volunteering 2 years ago .. I would be here on this side …  just hurts…

beyond boundaries…

This has come up twice this week and I’m not sure why. Seems like I created a boundary for myself somehow and I need to break through it.

Strange when the universe speaks to us, like seeing the answer on Jeopardy but not knowing the question. I’m sure that will come as well.

2 years ago I started on this site, didn’t realize it was my anniversary either.

My dad is in hospice… life is strange.

Looking for the question so I know why I have my answer.

negative space…

20150803_113616I’m leaving some space today.  I have constantly filled my time lately.  And just decided to leave a gap.  To take a break,  a breath,  just sigh for a moment.
To enjoy the peace and quiet.

Why do we constantly fill our days with noise?  Are we afraid of what our minds will say when they’re free to fill that space? Do we hate the quiet?  Are we afraid of what thoughts will arise?
While I was an art major, we talked of negative space almost as much as positive space. Negative space is the space between. It is that pause in music before it builds to the powerful chorus or crescendo. That moment in a play or musical where it gives time to let things sink in to the audience. Fill the space with thought. To let the weight of the words that were just said, hang in the air.

To pause, to think, to ponder, to rest.

In art, they talk of the way the eye moves across and through a piece. Negative space allows the viewer’s eye to rest. It gives shape and meaning to things going on in the forefront. It gives borders and boundaries. It’s not nothing. It’s as important as the positive space. And ironically, although called negative, it’s not negative at all. It’s necessary. It’s what allows us to appreciate what’s going on in the composition, in the piece of artwork itself.
All I know is that today was not long enough and tomorrow will be back to the grind,  but for today……     Taking a deep breath……  Letting my mind rest in the pauses and breaks before life comes back to a full crescendo.